new friends

While we were out today, my oldest son asked to go to the park, after we were done running errands, so I decided that that was probably a good idea, since it is getting hotter and hotter every day. So off we went to the park. When we got there, there was a group of woman w/all their children that were there together. So we went and started playing on the slide, and playing as usual. There was one woman inparticular, Jodi, who was very friendly, and her and I started visiting while we played w/kids. Well she told me that she belonged to a non-denominational christian church about 15 min from my home, and that everyone there got together (ironically at the same park that we almost always go to) every tues and thurs to walk and let their kids play at the park. So she invited me to come and walk/play with them. She was so nice, and also invited me to check out the church website, and if I wanted to also come to church. Now I haven't been even slightly interested in ANY kind of church at all, but there was just something about the way that she was, so nonintrusive, and not pushy AT ALL, (which is the way I think EVERY person should be when it comes to religion) but I think I will talk to my husband, and we may try it out, just to see. Typically I would say that I am against any organized religion, but I think that even if I chose not to attend church, I could have the opportunity for new friends, and friends that also have kids! HOORAY :) This is what I've been waiting for, I know that just waiting for something isn't exactly the best plan, but I guess that's why I've lived in this city for 2 years, and I don't have any friends. So enough of the waiting, something that could be wonderful has found me, so now it's my turn to take action, and so I will go back to the park at 9 am on Thursday, and I guess we will go from there. Ah, my hope is that this will be but the begining of many good and wonderful things yet to come, and I am so greatful for the opportunity to make new friends :)

a father like no other

Well yesterday was a fun day, we had to drive to Jackson to pick up a check for work, and took the long scenic route. It's been such a long time sice I went that way, and oh, it brought back so many good memories. One inparticular was when I was in high school. I, like most, had a rough time as a teenager, and it seems I was always fighting with one or both of my parents constantly, which is pretty normal I guess, but there was one day, that I got in a huge fight with my dad, and he ended up taking me to school, but as we were getting to the school, we were "making up" and starting to have a good talk. So my dad, being the incredible man that he is, decided that us spending some good time together was more important than anything else, so he took the day off, and let me get out of school, and we drove around the hoback, stopped and got square ice cream cones, and the works. it was one of the most memorable times that I've had w/my dad. It's amazing how many wonderful memories I have of just me and him, especially considering that he was the mayor of the small town I grew up in, the owner of a construction company, and the father of 11 childern! :) I'm so greatfull that he gave me the gift of unconditional love, and the love of nature. He has been such an incredible example to me, and I could never ask for a better father. I am so thankful that he is mine! :) I will always be so thankful for that day, I learned so much about my dad, that I had never known, it was the first time that I had really thought about the fact that my dad was a real person, and had had his own dreams, but came back to the little town he grew up in, after serving a mission in france, to help my grandfather run his construction company. He was the oldest of his siblings, and had only one brother, that was 12 years younger than him, so he felt like it was his responsability to stay. It's crazy because he is very smart when it comes to math and numbers, and he wanted to be an engineer, which would have made him a lot more money than the construction business that he never really wanted to do. Yet he never complaines, and even though we never had much money growing up, my dad always said that, if he had chosen to have "only" 4 or 5 kids, that he'd have the money for 4-wheelers, and snowmachines, and the like, but "what would all those things mean, without the people we love to share them with" Ah so true! As a kid, it always bothered me having such a big family, mostly due to the immature comments of teenage boys, but as an adult, I am SO greatful for each and everyone of my siblings, and would never trade one for anything. So I guess this is my thanks to my wonderful father, if I could be even a tenth of the parent that he is, I'll be a pretty damn good one! Ah guess that's all for now. I think my focus of today, will be gratitude :)

Well, I'm not sure how much time I'll have to write today, my baby is teething again, has had a high fever, and just wants me to hold him 24/7 so I haven't had a lot of spare time the past few days. But things are better than they were the last time I wrote. Some days the hubs really drives me crazy, but I'm sure we all have those days, so oh well :)

Ah so every day, I'm becoming more convinced that I am pregnant, reguardless of the negative test, I just know that I am, and that I'm not crazy. But ahhh, that neg test just threw me for a loop, and made me doubt myself. I'm thinking that I'm probably like 10-12 weeks or so now, which leaves me due in like Dec I think. So I guess we'll see how that all pans out. I'm so torn w/ this whole prego trip, I don't know whether or not I want to say anything to anyone, or just wait. In some ways it would be easier I think, but I guess I'm just afraid that if I do tell anyone, I'll end up not actually being pregnant. You'd think that after being prego 4 times already that I'd know, but oh well, I guess I should just stop dwelling on it, and move on..... but oh it is freaking HARD!! :(

Anyway, so I started this 28 day yoga excercize plan a little over a month ago, and I LOVE it! I'm on like day 31 now, I did miss 3 days, but I'm happy that I've actually kept it up, even after miss a few days. I can't believe how big of a difference yoga has made for me. I've tried a lot of other things, but I just get something different from yoga, my hope is that it will aid me in my path to self discovery, so far, I think it's helping. So I'll keep it up, and I'm sure more good will come from it in the future :)

men, ugh.....

So on days like today, I wonder, Why did I marry such an ass hole?! First off my husband is a BIG gamer, he just HAD to spend nearly $1000 on a new PS3 when they came out, and there are certain games that he just can't live without. I have to say that he has only one addiction, and totaly weakness, and that is gaming. It seems like once he's had a taste of playing for an extended period of time, he just can't get enough, and HAS to play EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!! He used to have this computer game that he played about 2 or 3 hours every day, which nearly led to us splitting up. About 3 months ago, we got in a HUGE fight, and I told him repeatedly that I basicaly wanted to leave him, and that it was mostly due to his excessive gaming, well we talked it out, and he ended up breaking the disc for his game in half. which was nice, and he layed off the gaming for quite a while. I guess it hasn't been until the last week that he's gotten into the gaming hardcore again. It really seems to give me those old feelings, and thoughts of leaving him. Now I LOVE my husband, but he just has a tendency to just let me do everything. If I don't say anything, he'll never really offer to help me w/anything. It seems like anytime he does anything, it's after I've said something numberable times. Ahh, then there are those times (which have been few in recent days) when he is so strong, and thoughful, when he really seems to care. I feel like he's always one extreme or the other. I have such a tough time dealing w/it. Then there is the issue, of me always caring for our baby. Because I have exclusively breastfeed both of my boys, he thinks that I sould be the one to care for them all the time. He has only gotten up w/our nearly one year old 3 times, (when I was gone) since he was born!! Grrr, he just makes me so upset!

Ahh, I'm trying to come up with something positive to end today, but I'm having a tough time...... Well, at least I'm still young, and summer is only begining, ahh I'm so excited to go swimming, and play outside more again. I love summer :) and on that note, I guess I'll go.

The gift of music

Music, ahh there is nothing like music. Oh how I miss singing. I've noticed that I feel so much different in the days that I spend time singing. I think if I started to have a "music time" every day w/my boys, each day would get better. I can already see my love for music in my older son, he frequently sings along w/the songs in movies, or even asks me to sing songs for him. There are days when he just changes everything :) I am so incredibly blessed to have my beautiful boys. The joys of being a mother are so much more amazing than anyone could ever explain. there is just something about seeing a child that you have given life to, growing everyday, watched them change and develop their own unique personalities. I have learned so many lessons so far from mothers that I've come across over the years since becoming a mother myself, but I think that the greatest gift a parent can give, is to love and support their children in ANYTHING that they choose, and believing in them, I see some parents that I've know all my life, and really seen in a diffent light now that I'm a mom. But I try to simply learn from the "faults" that I see in others, and just be a better person and mom, than I would otherwise have been.

Ahh I've been really considering getting a guitar (and teaching myself to play it) or maybe even a piano. I tought myself to play the piano as a kid, and I enjoyed it, but shortly after, I started to take voice lessons (which I LOVED, more than anything) and stopped playing, but I would still love to take it up again also. I just love the idea of me teaching my kids to play, and really love music the way that I always have. I dream sometimes about singing on stage again. Oh how I miss the stage!!! It's been SOO SOO long, infact my own husband, of nearly 6 years, has never heard me sing anywhere, on stage or anything. I of course sing along w/everything as I always have, but still it's different when it's something you've rehearsed and everything. I'd love to start writing music again as well.... I'm sure it'll all come in it's own time, but meanwhile, I'll start looking for a used guitar somewhere online, and maybe I'll find something for a good deal that I can start on. Well it's a good start I think so hooray, something to look forward to :) Until tomorrow....

Still don't know....

Ok, so I've had the feeling for about 2 months now, that I'm freaking pregnant. I am still breastfeeding my 11 month old, but have had like every pregnancy symptom I know of, I have yet to actally throw up, but I've had nausea, been lightheaded, mild cramping, serious aversions to some foods, and smells (like the smell of cooking bacon, ugh!) I've had to pee more often than usual, and I swear the only times I've really FELT this prego, was when I was!! But a few days ago, I finally got around to taking a pregnancy test, that came out negative. After researching on the internet, I guess that breastfeeding doesn't effect the outcome of an at home test. so yeah, I just don't know. I swear, I really feel like maybe I'm just loosing my mind or something. I'm just not really sure where to go from here. maybe I should just wait a few more weeks, and see how I feel. It's crazy, cause on one hand, I've been so SURE that I am pregnant, but after getting a neg test, I'm not sure I really WANT to get pregnant, (unless I am already) so I want to start on the pill or something, which I only should do if I'm NOT prego. so UGH, what now, just wait and see, ahhh..... I just want to KNOW FOR SURE, and go from there....... I swear I'm just driving myself crazy!!!! alright guess that's all for now.... time will tell I suppose......

friends....

Today, has been a good day. Even though it was rainy, and a bit cold, I still had a much better day today. I am so thankful that things are constantly getting better the more I focus on the good things in my life, they more good things seem to appear, and for this I am deeply greatful :)

I've been thinking lately of a friend of mine, who I have to wonder if I can actually call a friend. We have been "best friends" since we were little kids, and stayed in touch since high school, but in the past 2 years since we have lived in the same city, things have really chaged. She has had health problems since about our senior year of high school, when she was diagnosed w/thyroid cancer, and has gone though some tough times in reguards to her health, and as a result, we have really drifted apart. It seems like she only calls when she needs me, which is sparatic at best, but it seems that whenever she calls, I drop whatever I am doing, and rush to her side, to do anything I can. But there was one time in particular, when I had gone over to her house, because we were all supposed to hang out, I looked through the window on her door, and saw her sitting on the couch w/her laptop, so I went out and got my kids and husband out of the car. But when I went back to the door, her husband answered, and said that she was in bed sleeping. Now I KNOW that she has had him lie to me TONS of times other than that, because I've known her long enough to know when she lies to me, and that typically she'll just make her husband do it for her. I have never actually told her, but it has really effected the way I veiw our friendship. I have recently realized that I never feel good after talking to her, or hanging out w/her either. infact I can't really remember the last time I spoke to her and was happy after it was done. she has become so negative that I have a hard time not allowing it to effect me. And so I'm here today, just wondering what to do. I have cried too many times to count because she almost always flakes out on me, and is never there when I need her. sadly it has made my husband a bit negative toward her, cause it's always his shoulder that I'm crying on. So what now? I'm not sure where to go from here. do I just not call her back, tell her how I really feel, I just don't know.... I guess the answers shall come in time.....

But to end on a happy note, I've been able to talk to my sister more lately. she works 3 jobs, and babysits for people any chance she gets, so I typically don't get ahold of her often, but she is such a joy for me. somehow it doesn't seem to matter what we talk about, I ALWAYS feel so good after talking to her. I am greatful beyond words to have her in my life, and even at times that I don't get to talk to her as often, I know that she still thinks of me, and wants me there, as much as I want HER here! One day I hope to live close to her again. I miss her, and would love to see her EVERY DAY! It's amazing how much of a difference one good friend can have on your life. I am so thankful for the few friends I do have, and EACH one is an absolute JEM, that is priceless to me. thank you to those who care enough to be there, and help me get back up each time I fall. :)

a new day

As is sit here alone, listening to my husband snoring in the other room, as he has once again fallen asleep putting our son to bed, I can't help but think of all the wonderful things that I have to be greatful for. I have been blessed w/such an amazing family, this past week has been filled w/a lot of opportunities for me to become more humble than I have previously been. As we have been faced w/nearly having our car reposessed, our power shut off, our phones shut off, and faced the posibility of eviction, and it has been in the face of these struggles that I can truley appreciate the gift of giving. I already have had so much given to me, and I know that I don't have to live in the fear that I won't have enough, as there are so many who give freely, without expecting anything in return. I am so thankful for all those who have blessed my life this week, without you, I would have much less than I currently have, and I am just so thankful to you all.

It has been so amazing to me to see how freely my parents will give, even when they themselves are stuggling more than ever in the financial asspect, they are still so willing to give everything they have to help me, and I love them more than words can say. And though I love my mother-in-law, I see the contrast between my own mother and her, granted we do owe her money still, she has only one child at home, and a steady unchanging reliable paycheck, as well as 2 houses, an RV, 2 trucks, a 4-wheeler, and a new dirt bike for my brother-in-law, and she couldn't help us at all because she HAS to fix the dirt bike that her son wrecked the day after he got it, so yeah. I know it's not right for me to judge her, but it is just hard when we struggle just to put food on our table. Oh well, I suppose it's not her responsabilty to support us, I suppose I just judge everyone against my own parents, which few people on this earth can realy compare to in my eyes.

Anyway, I will try to just focus on all the good that others have done, and the prospect of repaying the kindness that many have shown to me. I am so thankful to have my wonderful children, they brighten up every day. As we played at the park today, I couldn't help but smile at the polite way my son plays with the other children, there was one little boy in particular that was just crawling around by himself, eating bark, and exploring, and my sweet son kept contantly going to him, and talking to him, kissing him on the head, and encouraging him. It made me really feel good to see that I had raised a child like that, sometimes I get so caught up on the current times, when he's beating up on his brother, and making him cry, that I forget all the times he would take his little brother by the had and say "come on little brother, you can do it" it brings tears to my eyes, remembering all those times, and contemplating all the times yet to come. I am so thankful! And on that note, I will end my rantings of today, until tomorrow.....

day 1

Well, I've decided to start this blog as a way of showing myself where I am today, and being able to compaire this to what transpires in my life in the days to come. For a long time now, I've needed a way and place to put all my thoughts and feelings down, without having to worry about anyone judging, or criticizing me, though I know it is only me who matters, I have yet to get past the opinions of others. And so here I am.

Today, I am left wondering why we as parents pass down our own beliefs and limited ways of thinking to our children, for example the phrase "nice guys finish last" I ask myself why? Why do we teach these limiting phrases to our children, why not give them the most positive and beneficial beliefs. Is it because of our own limited beliefs, I suppose it must be. So today I choose to make a concious decision to watch the things I say to, and arround my own 2 young children so as to not pass my own limited thinking down to them. I KNOW that if I choose today to speak only positive and happy things that that will be my reality, no matter what I see as my reality today. I have the power to change, and shape my own destiny, and so I start today to change my mind and be happy no matter what I see or hear, things are getting better!