what to do...

Ahh, this hormonal rollercoaster that I've been on the past few weeks has really been comming to a head lately. I feel like all I do is yell and get super frustrated over EVERYTHING. I swear I'm so much more level headed and even tempered when I am prego, but alas, I know I should just be happy w/where I'm at.

Anyway, so there has been something on my mind lately that I just need to get out, and I know that I cannot say anything to anyone I'm arround here, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So..... ok, I have never been the type of person who cares about any person's weight (except my own) but lately I've started to notice how unattracted I have been physically to my husband. I know that if he were a more sensitive, sweet guy that did things for me just because that it would give me something more to be attracted to, but the fact is that he doesn't. Granted he DID take both boys to the park today for an hour, by himself, while I layed on the couch w/a heating pad, trying to ease my hellacious cramps. I just feel like I do about 95% of everything, whether it's caring for the boys, cleaning house, doing dishes, etc. he has only worked about 3 days in the past month and a half, and still doesn't really do much of anything. we had a talk (once again) about his gaming habits, and the effect they are having on our relationship, and he has commited to not playing the computer games again. but honestly I think he has a serious addiction, and it gets frustrating. I know that I should be greatfull that he is at least here, but there are some days when I (almost) wish he would just go out and do stupid shit, cause then I'd have a REAL reason to leave. not that I really want my marriage to end or anything, cause I really do love him, and I know that he's 100 times better of a father than his father was, but still..... I don't know, he's just so selfish, it's hard to know what to do. And OMG is he LAZY!!!!! He flies off the handle anytime that anyone makes any comment about him being lazy, but he IS!!! He frequently talkes about joining a gym, or getting running shoes, and starting to run, but he never does anything, and I'm sceptical about him spending the $ for a gym membership, because I just don't believe that he's going to use it. I try so hard to help him help himself, but the fact is that I can't do it for him, I get frustrated, because I can easily modivate myself to do whatever it takes for me to get exercise (to some degree) everyday, w/out spending ANY money, and while I AM greatful that I can do that for myself, I just wish there was something more that I could do for him. I see how self concious he is (even if he rarely shows it) and I want him to feel better about himself, but once again, what can I do? I guess all I really can do is to focus on me, because in the end I am the only person that I can change.

I guess I was hoping that by putting my feeling down, that I would have some epiphany as to what to do, but no such luck. I know that I love my husband, and that he does do things for me, so I think I just need to try and look for the good things, and take my focus away from the bad. After all, when you are looking for the bad in people you will find it, and if you look for the good, it will be there too. I suppose I'll sign off for now, with the intention of looking for the good......

Knowing at LAST!!! :)

Well, I just found out today, that........ are you ready?....... I am NOT PREGNANT!!!! ahhhh, I was pretty excited at the prospect of having another child, but I'm actually relieved to have started my period today. There are alot of days when I think that I want a beautiful little girl to dress up, and play with, and love, but I just don't think I'm really ready for baby #3 just yet. I think it really takes being a full time mother of more than one child to make you appreciate just how much time and work it takes being a mom, especially once the naps stop, granted it IS easily worth the work, but reguardless, I think that it is extremely important to be ready. I see my sisters, one who has 5 kids, and one with 4 and one on the way, and how stressed out they always seem to be, and I just don't want that. I want to have few enough children, that I can easily give each child the attention, and patientce that they deserve, that and I'm not a particularly patient person to begin with, so just having 2 kids seriously tests me some days.

Ahh, I can easily see myself and my husband traveling the world w/the boys, it's perfect one for each of us, and I hear that #3 is the hardest, cause you only have 2 hands :) So I think that it's time for some birth controll, and maybe we'll save #3 for a few years down the road, when I feel more capable of dealing w/another little life to love :) So I guess tomorrow is the perfect day to start dedicating myself to slim in 6 for real this time. I've been extremely diligent w/my yoga, I haven't missed ONE day in over a month and a half!!! (which is a BIG deal for me) while I can see a difference in my body (I'm actually starting to get abdominal muscles, hooray) I still have a ways to go before I have reached my ideal body, I can still see the dimples on my inner thighs, and my butt, which I have started to notice more since we started boating, and I've been wearing an actual swim suit, which I haven't done in about 7-9 years!!! Amazingly I can fit into the boy shorts that I bought back then, but they are super tight, and i feel SOOO self concious when I wear them. I know the fact that the girlfriend that I'm with while boating, and the fact that she is tiny has a lot to do w/it, but I just want to be totally confident and happy in my own skin. I'm getting closer to being there, but I want to ARRIVE! And so I'll take some before pics, and start on my journey to being in the best shape of my life :)

The future is bright (as is the present) and I am optimistic. Hooray for life :)

summer days

Ahh, how I LOVE summer time! I love taking my boys to the park, running up the hills, playing on the swings, and the slides. I think I want to start spending winters down south, and summers here, so we can enjoy warmer weather all year long. Oh, we've been boating a lot lately, until last summer, I had never been boating (that I can realy remember) but, I'm really begining to LOVE it. I was so surprised that my boys both love it too, I expected my one year old to be fussy, and grumpy, but to my utter delight, he is sooo happy, even tough his life jacket rubs his poor little chin raw, he's still so chill ;) It's so crazy, cause the hubs and I have talked about buying a sail boat, and just sailing off into the horizion (when the boys are a bit older of course) and somehow I think I've always known that I loved the water, even though I never spent much time on it growing up, it seems to call to me, beckoning me to come and ride the waves....... Even though I've never even seen the ocean, I can still feel the salty breeze wafting over my body, as we sail the crysal clear waters of the carribean........ I know that one day I WILL be there, with my husband and my two beautiful boys :)