what to do...

Ahh, this hormonal rollercoaster that I've been on the past few weeks has really been comming to a head lately. I feel like all I do is yell and get super frustrated over EVERYTHING. I swear I'm so much more level headed and even tempered when I am prego, but alas, I know I should just be happy w/where I'm at.

Anyway, so there has been something on my mind lately that I just need to get out, and I know that I cannot say anything to anyone I'm arround here, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So..... ok, I have never been the type of person who cares about any person's weight (except my own) but lately I've started to notice how unattracted I have been physically to my husband. I know that if he were a more sensitive, sweet guy that did things for me just because that it would give me something more to be attracted to, but the fact is that he doesn't. Granted he DID take both boys to the park today for an hour, by himself, while I layed on the couch w/a heating pad, trying to ease my hellacious cramps. I just feel like I do about 95% of everything, whether it's caring for the boys, cleaning house, doing dishes, etc. he has only worked about 3 days in the past month and a half, and still doesn't really do much of anything. we had a talk (once again) about his gaming habits, and the effect they are having on our relationship, and he has commited to not playing the computer games again. but honestly I think he has a serious addiction, and it gets frustrating. I know that I should be greatfull that he is at least here, but there are some days when I (almost) wish he would just go out and do stupid shit, cause then I'd have a REAL reason to leave. not that I really want my marriage to end or anything, cause I really do love him, and I know that he's 100 times better of a father than his father was, but still..... I don't know, he's just so selfish, it's hard to know what to do. And OMG is he LAZY!!!!! He flies off the handle anytime that anyone makes any comment about him being lazy, but he IS!!! He frequently talkes about joining a gym, or getting running shoes, and starting to run, but he never does anything, and I'm sceptical about him spending the $ for a gym membership, because I just don't believe that he's going to use it. I try so hard to help him help himself, but the fact is that I can't do it for him, I get frustrated, because I can easily modivate myself to do whatever it takes for me to get exercise (to some degree) everyday, w/out spending ANY money, and while I AM greatful that I can do that for myself, I just wish there was something more that I could do for him. I see how self concious he is (even if he rarely shows it) and I want him to feel better about himself, but once again, what can I do? I guess all I really can do is to focus on me, because in the end I am the only person that I can change.

I guess I was hoping that by putting my feeling down, that I would have some epiphany as to what to do, but no such luck. I know that I love my husband, and that he does do things for me, so I think I just need to try and look for the good things, and take my focus away from the bad. After all, when you are looking for the bad in people you will find it, and if you look for the good, it will be there too. I suppose I'll sign off for now, with the intention of looking for the good......