next step

Well, there are some things that I really need to just get out, and work out in
my mind.. There have been quite a few developments in my life the past 2 weeks..
The first, being that I got a job! :) I don't start till Feb 13, but it's a job
for the state, and pays pretty well. I am excited to get out, and be around
adults. But the job is supposed to be pretty tough, and takes 3 months of
training. Jerime still isn't working, spending so much time with him, has made
me realize that I just know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life...
He is such a demanding ass, and our kids have become so much more defiant, and
rude. I do not want him being the primary care giver to our children. All he
ever wants to do is play video games, and that's pretty much what he does.
nothing has changed.About a week and a half ago, I joined an online
website where you can track workouts, and get information on diet and
excercise... Well I love it! it has helped me to become so much more consistant
in my workouts :) But anyway, I started to chat with a couple of people that I
met through the site. And there was one inparticular, that I just felt a
connection with. So we started to chat, more and more. He lives in India, is
such a nice guy, super sexy, and just fun to talk to. I've started to really
have strong feelings for him, which only makes me relize more, the things that
my marriage lacks. I've been spending HOURS online, chatting with him. while my
husband just plays more video games.... it's been such a bizzare week. I just
haven't been able to get this guy off my mind... Most all of my waking moments
are spent with thoughts of him. I don't know if it's because I'm finally getting
some attention, and can talk to him, or if it is really genuine... but being
with my husband almost makes me feel like I'm betraying him. Explain that one!
One week of chatting w/someone half a world away, taking presidence over the man
I have spent 1/3 of my life with!?! I still don't completely understand these
feelings I'm having... And I don't know if Jer is just oblivious, or trying to
ignore the signs.So, anyway, with this job, I have to have my last name
chaged to my married name on my social security card. it seems simple enough,
but it something that I just haven't wanted to do. It probably has something to
do with the fact that I've considered divorce so many times, and I'd really like
to go back to my maiden name should that happen. I don't want to have to legally
change my name back, instead just keep it the way it is. UGH, I'm so confused.
and lost.. I have to make a decision soon, as I'm already feeling the weight on
my heart, now I'm not saying that I'm going to get a divorce, and run off to
India, but I'm realizing all that my life lacks. And both of us just deserve to
have more. Still, I feel this responsability to my husband. But I don't want to
be with someone out of guilt, just to keep from hurting them, because in the
long run I'm afraid that it's just going to prolong the pain.. The longer I
wait, the harder it is going to be. So what now? Where do I go from here? What
do I do? Guess when I find the answer, I'll let you know....

The battle of mom vs professional

Recently, I decided that I wanted to go back to work. I've been working on my resume, and going to some classes to try and help me feel prepared. It's been soo nice to get out of the house, and talk to adults again, and It's really made me super excited to get back into the work force. I've frequently missed the professional satisfaction that I got from work, don't get me wrong, I get alot of personal satisfaction in raising my kids, but it is just different. Anyway, I've been trying to get my resume together for a possible job interview w/the state office here. It sounds like a great job, w/starting pay of almost $15 an hour, (which is pretty awesome for me) plus full benefits for your entire family after the first like 30 days I believe. Well, while I was searching for some inspiration on how to word my 'stay at home mother' experience, it occurred to me (right after finding the exact thing I was looking for) that I am just not ready to go back to work full time, at least not permanently. I just can't cope with the idea of anyone else raising my babies, I love my husband, but he and I simply disagree in some areas of child rearing, that are important to me to have a certain way. Plus I think I'd just miss them, Leeya is getting to be so much fun. She carries around her baby, patting it's back, and kissing it on the head for hours every day. she tells me things are 'cute' or says 'ewwwww ucky', with emphasis on the eeewwww. lol she's been soo much more interested in her daddy than her brothers were at her age, mostly because he's been home the majority of her life, but during the last few days, she'll go to him out of my arms, she loves her daddy. I'm torn between being sad, and happy that she wants to be with him. All the kids still only want me when they're sick, haha one of the joys of being a mom I guess. lol

Ok, so I also have to add that He did clean the house, kitchen-counter tops, cleaned the table, washed dishes, and swept the floor, as well as cleaning and vacuuming the living room. It was nice to see that he could do it all so quickly and do such a good job. I think he'll
have to start doing it more often ;) hehe

So, now what? I'm thinking that I'll just try and find temporary full time work for a few weeks/months till Jer goes back to work again. yep. I think that's going to be the new plan. then in about 4 1/2 years *sigh* I'll start working while the kids are at school :)