music at last

so I know it's been FOREVER since my last post, so I decided it was probably time to get er done :)

Ok, well for starters I got a guitar finally, and I absolutely LOVE it!!! I'm not very good yet, I'll admit it. but it has only been 3 weeks, and I am getting better :) Mostly I just love having music in my life, in a way that I haven't for far too long. it's kinda crazy, because my little brother just started playing too, only a few days after me. :) I wish we could get together sometime, play and share everything we've both learned, but he's going to school, and busy trying to find himself a wife, haha, so we just don't do it. it's kinda crazy, cause the 2 of us have always had a slightly strained relationship, mostly because we're only 2 years apart, and had quite a bit of friction for all the teenage years. but he's the only one that I haven't really gotten to have an adult relationship with yet. I feel like us both learning guitar now is opening a door for us to have something in common, and that it could lead to a better friendship beetween us, which I'm really excited for. :) Now I just need to figure out what song I want to learn to play, so far all I can really do is play a few chords. I bought a beginner guitar book when I bought my guitar, that's cool for learning the basics, but it sure would be nice to have someone around who played well, and could give me some pointers, and maybe teach me some of the things that are just easier to learn from a person, than a book. but all in due time... I'm sure when I'm ready, that the right person will come along :)

Oh, my little leeya is 9 months old now, and crawling like a champ. she can stand on her own, and pushes toys around the house, so that she can walk around like her brothers, so SOO cute :) she starts to dance anytime there's music (even the jingles at the begining of cartoons, or commercials) and of course anytime I sing anything :) seems like she already has my love of music in her blood :D it's just awesome. my boys do too, they both love music, and having mommy sing them to sleep, (which I don't do as often as I should, but still...) and I tell ya, Gav can sing, he's got great intonation, I have a feeling he's going to be an excellent little singer in years to come. Brod tells me that he's going to have a band w/his friends when he's a teenager, they are also all going to be super heros, and pro athletles, haha. guess I better get him prepared to take care of me when he's there :)

Ok, well everyone at my house is assleep now, so I'm going to go and play my guitar in the living room for a while, so I guess I'm off, to happily enjoy the newfound music in my life :)

kids.... they're always good for a laugh

So, I just wanted to write down a few things that have happened in the last little while that I thought were so funny, and I wanted to get them down somewhere, so that I can remember...

The first was a few weeks ago, when my niece Aspyn was here playing w/the boys. (she's almost 3 btw) well, Gav has been going through a phase where he pushes, and picks on everyone, and it was no different w/Aspyn. so anyway, they were in the hallway playing, and Gav punched her, so she slapped him twice, and kissed him on the cheek. he didn't really know what to do, so they just skipped off, hand in hand, and went to play in the bedroom :) ahh, it was so freaking hilarious. it cracks me up the way she keeps him in check. she's such a doll :)

Ok the second was earlier this week, when Jer found a little turd in Gav's undies, and he asked him what it was. Gavin's answer: "Brody did it dad" Jerime: "brody pooped in your underware?" Gav "mmhmm, Brody did it! my poop in the toyet daddy, brody poop in mine's underware." bahahahaha funny.

kids just say the darnest things! :)

so ready!!

ahh, so this is going to be a quick post, but I just wanted to say that I am SOOOO SOOO sick of living in Idaho!!!!! I keep wondering why in the hell we still live here, and seriously, I'm over it! especially on the days when I'm outside shoveling snow, in and it's -20 degrees out side :( I'm ready for something and somewhere new, and different, and WARM! I'm ready to win my millions, and travel the world. Ready to explore, see the ocean (for the first time, and beyond) ride on an airplane (also for the first time, and how awesome would it be to charter a private plane and not have to deal w/airport security?!) ahh..... I'm just READY!!!! I want to go on a REAL damn vacation, not a trip somewhere because someone died, and we have to go to the funeral, and not going to visit family for a holiday either. a real vacation, where we just go somewhere just because we want to go, and do something fun. I want to take my kids to a real Zoo, not the lame ass zoo here, where the most exotic animal you see is a camel, who looks miserable, and sad in a tiny little exibit. but an awesome huge zoo, that has everything, and takes most of the day to see it all. My kids seem to behave so much better when we're out, and around people, instead of sitting on our asses all day long, watching tv! Typically I don't mind TV so much, but when it's ALL that we do, and it's all day every freaking day... it's just too much for me, and I'm a bitch all the time :( ugh... I'm just ready for a serious, real, and lasting change! Hopefully it'll all be for the better, and come soon!!

reminding me again

So earlier this afternoon, I was starting a post about how I just needed a change, and that I just didn't know what it was, when my sweet hubby came in (amidst my sobbing) and told me I needed to take more time for myself. he told me to just go out, go shopping, or whatever I wanted, and just do it for ME. And I was reminded why I married him. I've known for quite a while that I need to take the time for myself, but I guess I get so caught up w/life, and being pissed off at everyone, while blaming them for my unhappiness, when it isn't them. It's just me forgetting that I am a person too, and I have needs, beyond the need to have the dishes done, or house clean. And that I should NEVER feel guilty for taking time out, to recharge my batteries, because it makes me SO much happier, and a much better mother and wife. Makes me wonder how my mom does it, I don't remember EVER seeing my mom do a thing for herself, and yet she doesn't ever seem bitter, or angry. But ya know, I'm begining to realize that in her heart I just don't think she feels like she is worth taking the time for. I don't recall my mom ever doing anything but criticizing herself, no matter how much she does, in her own eyes, I don't think it's ever enough. ahh, I LOVE my mother w/all my heart, but I see how her lack of self esteem has effected me, and my siblings, and I've realized how important it is to have that love of myself, I have a hard time feeling good about being me, but I see my mom (whom I think is one of the most beautiful woman I know, both inside, and out) and I see my kids, who are adorable, and they couldn't have gotten it ALL from their dad, granted he did pitch in some of their good looks, but it had to be at least a little from me too. and I see that I can't be all bad. :) haha ok so I'm not there yet, but it's a start :)

been a while

Well, I know I haven't blogged in a while... there has actually been quite a bit that has happened the past month, hmm... guess my birthday is a good start. My sister and her hubby came to visit this year for my b-day (she went to get time off for the summer to come visit, but couldn't get any scheduled time off till sept, and that was in April) it was SOO much fun! I went to Victor for a day, and just spent time w/my sisters (all except my little sister, cause she's 11 and was in school) It was a BLAST having all 4 of us together at my grandma's house. I don't think we really even did anything special, it was just great to get to sit and visit w/them. Until recently, I had always thought that my oldest sister Michele was so unhappy and grouchy, but after being able to really spend some time w/her (and a day w/just the two of us and our babies) I feel so much different. I get such an amazing energy from my sisters. I miss them! I wish I lived just a little closer. But anyway, it was so great, unfortunatley I didn't take my camera :( so I'm gonna have to get the pics from my sister.



So, a few days after that, was my birthday, and my sister and I spent it shopping hooray! we figured out that we stopped at 19 different places in the 5 hours that we were gone. it was sooo much fun, there are few things I love more than shopping w/my sister, especially when I have money to spend :) we even stopped by the mall to get pics, (you know the little booth photos) the pics look like crap (at least the 'me' half) but they were super fun! :) ahh, lately I've been having a ton of those 'thinking you actually look good, only to see a photo of yourself later, and find you want to cut yourself out of EVERY ONE' kinda times. grr. in my mind I guess I just look alot better than I do in reality :( bummer. but guess I just need to harness that energy into motivation to get into better shape. well on a high note I DID do yoga last night. :) well, I'm sure my kids are gonna be up soon, so I better go get something done.

on my way back to the top :)

Well, after my total melt down earlier today, just thought I'd let ya know that the rest of my day went pretty good. I actually sat down w/the boys, and just played w/them. It made me realize that I couldn't even remember the last time I just played. and it felt GREAT. I know I've been stressing myself out for no good reason (as if there is EVER a good reason to stress) ;) and that I just need to play more, and get outside and run around, so what if we step in dog poo while we're running... better to get a little poo on you, than to stay in the house every day and be crazy. I like to share my crazy w/the world! :) haha.

Thank you so much for always being there for me. This blog really has had such a profound effect on my ability to take a step back, and try to view my life as it is. I'm so greatful to have an outlet, and to know that I have someone who loves me, and cares about me, and is truely everything a best friend should be. Thank you for not judging me, and just loving me for me! girl, you are my savior. Thank you just doesn't even begin to graze the surface of how much I appreciate your friendship :)

another break down....

ahhh, I just don't know how I'm gonna get through another day right now. I started crying, and now I just can't seem to stop. I feel like the worst mother in the world, and honestly pitty my children for getting stuck w/me! I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of Jerime, he's such an ass! All he cares about is himself, he's constantly playing his stupid fucking video games, yelling at the kids, and making messes that I always end up having to clean. I can't even count the times that I've talked to him about his gaming addiction. but I'm realizing that NOTHING will ever change! at least not on a perminant basis. I get so frustrated, all I ever do is scream, and cuss, and just want to escape my life. something HAS GOT to change in my life, but I feel so helpless.... I know that only I can create my happiness. but I just want to be the most important thing in someones life, I want a man that cares. that thinks about me. Someone who does things for me, just because they want to, because they love me and want me to be happy. I know THAT will never be HIM! He criticizes his brother, and how selfish his brother is, but honestly he's just like his brother. (slightly less negative) but WAAAY too much like him. he frequently makes comments about how I should go to work, and he'll be a stay at home dad, but I couldn't do it. for starters, I KNOW that I'd just end up working all day, to come home to a messy house, and kids that were more and more like him every day. ahh, I know he's not a terrible person, and that I'm FAR from perfect myself. but I just don't feel like he ever tries. I know it's not my place to judge, and that I could be wrong. that maybe he just sees what he chooses to see. but I just don't like the person I am when I'm with him. I feel like it brings out the worst in me. But I love him, I don't wanna be w/anyone else, I need him, and yet most of the time I just can't stand him, and spend hours just resenting him, and my kids for my own shortcommings. I feel helpless, and alone, and I'm just not sure where to go from here........