Tuesday, September 7, 2010
another break down....
ahhh, I just don't know how I'm gonna get through another day right now. I started crying, and now I just can't seem to stop. I feel like the worst mother in the world, and honestly pitty my children for getting stuck w/me! I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of Jerime, he's such an ass! All he cares about is himself, he's constantly playing his stupid fucking video games, yelling at the kids, and making messes that I always end up having to clean. I can't even count the times that I've talked to him about his gaming addiction. but I'm realizing that NOTHING will ever change! at least not on a perminant basis. I get so frustrated, all I ever do is scream, and cuss, and just want to escape my life. something HAS GOT to change in my life, but I feel so helpless.... I know that only I can create my happiness. but I just want to be the most important thing in someones life, I want a man that cares. that thinks about me. Someone who does things for me, just because they want to, because they love me and want me to be happy. I know THAT will never be HIM! He criticizes his brother, and how selfish his brother is, but honestly he's just like his brother. (slightly less negative) but WAAAY too much like him. he frequently makes comments about how I should go to work, and he'll be a stay at home dad, but I couldn't do it. for starters, I KNOW that I'd just end up working all day, to come home to a messy house, and kids that were more and more like him every day. ahh, I know he's not a terrible person, and that I'm FAR from perfect myself. but I just don't feel like he ever tries. I know it's not my place to judge, and that I could be wrong. that maybe he just sees what he chooses to see. but I just don't like the person I am when I'm with him. I feel like it brings out the worst in me. But I love him, I don't wanna be w/anyone else, I need him, and yet most of the time I just can't stand him, and spend hours just resenting him, and my kids for my own shortcommings. I feel helpless, and alone, and I'm just not sure where to go from here........
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Honey, I am sending all my love your way. You ARE a good mom and Jeremy knows it, and your kids know it! I know it's hard right now, especially with a new baby! It's hard to find time to even TRY to feel good or cute. Isn't it amazing how much a shower and feeling cute can help your mood? And it's not helpful if you feel like you can't even count on the one person you're supposed to be able to count on to help! I hate resenting my life, but I get there too a LOT! I always think where would I be if I were free? I wish there was a magical answer, I wish it wasn't just ourselves that we could fix, but our partners too, I mean what good is an attitude adjustment if we are the only ones changing? :-P but I love you and somehow we'll figure out how to fix the bad parts and make it all good and hopefully our husbands will do the same!
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