been a while

Well, I know I haven't blogged in a while... there has actually been quite a bit that has happened the past month, hmm... guess my birthday is a good start. My sister and her hubby came to visit this year for my b-day (she went to get time off for the summer to come visit, but couldn't get any scheduled time off till sept, and that was in April) it was SOO much fun! I went to Victor for a day, and just spent time w/my sisters (all except my little sister, cause she's 11 and was in school) It was a BLAST having all 4 of us together at my grandma's house. I don't think we really even did anything special, it was just great to get to sit and visit w/them. Until recently, I had always thought that my oldest sister Michele was so unhappy and grouchy, but after being able to really spend some time w/her (and a day w/just the two of us and our babies) I feel so much different. I get such an amazing energy from my sisters. I miss them! I wish I lived just a little closer. But anyway, it was so great, unfortunatley I didn't take my camera :( so I'm gonna have to get the pics from my sister.



So, a few days after that, was my birthday, and my sister and I spent it shopping hooray! we figured out that we stopped at 19 different places in the 5 hours that we were gone. it was sooo much fun, there are few things I love more than shopping w/my sister, especially when I have money to spend :) we even stopped by the mall to get pics, (you know the little booth photos) the pics look like crap (at least the 'me' half) but they were super fun! :) ahh, lately I've been having a ton of those 'thinking you actually look good, only to see a photo of yourself later, and find you want to cut yourself out of EVERY ONE' kinda times. grr. in my mind I guess I just look alot better than I do in reality :( bummer. but guess I just need to harness that energy into motivation to get into better shape. well on a high note I DID do yoga last night. :) well, I'm sure my kids are gonna be up soon, so I better go get something done.

on my way back to the top :)

Well, after my total melt down earlier today, just thought I'd let ya know that the rest of my day went pretty good. I actually sat down w/the boys, and just played w/them. It made me realize that I couldn't even remember the last time I just played. and it felt GREAT. I know I've been stressing myself out for no good reason (as if there is EVER a good reason to stress) ;) and that I just need to play more, and get outside and run around, so what if we step in dog poo while we're running... better to get a little poo on you, than to stay in the house every day and be crazy. I like to share my crazy w/the world! :) haha.

Thank you so much for always being there for me. This blog really has had such a profound effect on my ability to take a step back, and try to view my life as it is. I'm so greatful to have an outlet, and to know that I have someone who loves me, and cares about me, and is truely everything a best friend should be. Thank you for not judging me, and just loving me for me! girl, you are my savior. Thank you just doesn't even begin to graze the surface of how much I appreciate your friendship :)

another break down....

ahhh, I just don't know how I'm gonna get through another day right now. I started crying, and now I just can't seem to stop. I feel like the worst mother in the world, and honestly pitty my children for getting stuck w/me! I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so sick of Jerime, he's such an ass! All he cares about is himself, he's constantly playing his stupid fucking video games, yelling at the kids, and making messes that I always end up having to clean. I can't even count the times that I've talked to him about his gaming addiction. but I'm realizing that NOTHING will ever change! at least not on a perminant basis. I get so frustrated, all I ever do is scream, and cuss, and just want to escape my life. something HAS GOT to change in my life, but I feel so helpless.... I know that only I can create my happiness. but I just want to be the most important thing in someones life, I want a man that cares. that thinks about me. Someone who does things for me, just because they want to, because they love me and want me to be happy. I know THAT will never be HIM! He criticizes his brother, and how selfish his brother is, but honestly he's just like his brother. (slightly less negative) but WAAAY too much like him. he frequently makes comments about how I should go to work, and he'll be a stay at home dad, but I couldn't do it. for starters, I KNOW that I'd just end up working all day, to come home to a messy house, and kids that were more and more like him every day. ahh, I know he's not a terrible person, and that I'm FAR from perfect myself. but I just don't feel like he ever tries. I know it's not my place to judge, and that I could be wrong. that maybe he just sees what he chooses to see. but I just don't like the person I am when I'm with him. I feel like it brings out the worst in me. But I love him, I don't wanna be w/anyone else, I need him, and yet most of the time I just can't stand him, and spend hours just resenting him, and my kids for my own shortcommings. I feel helpless, and alone, and I'm just not sure where to go from here........

back into the fray

I am happy to report that I got up and did my workout this morning :) after only a few days of not doing it, I'm really feeling it again. I'm determined once more to get back into yoga, and regain the flexability that I had when I was doing it daily. I'm so excited by the prospect of being in better shape again. but I've decided that I am going to go shopping probably next week, and get just a few new clothes. I'm tired of trying to fit into my clothes, and excited to have clothes that fit me, and make me feel better. nothing like wearing the clothes I wore the whole time I was prego, to get me frustrated. Even though my clothes aren't quite as tight as they were 2 weeks ago, I'm still sick of them! And there are so many KILLER sales right now, so I'm gonna get my butt out there, and do some shopping! Hooray! :) well, I'm gonna attempt to go back to sleep for a bit, cause I'm a bit exhausted, and I've found that my kids will usually sleep longer if I let them climb in bed w/me for a while when they wake up, and hopefully they'll be in a better temperment w/a bit more sleep :)

modivation.... where have you gone???

Well I'm sad to report that I haven't done anything the last few days. I woke up early on Friday, the day I went to a family reunion, and worked out. but then I stayed there that night, and shockingly didn't do a damn thing. my baby has been a bit gassy the past few nights, so I haven't been sleeping as well as I usually do, and hence I just don't want to get out of bed AT ALL. infact I spent a lot of the day today sleeping, and I'm just as tired now, as I was when I got up this morning. And I didn't even attempt to get up w/my hubby at 5 this morning. blah. I've also started my period (SUPER BLAH) I NEVER got a period while breastfeeding the boys. god damn birth controll! I'm seriously considering switching to a progesterone only b/c again. not to mention this stuff has also effected my milk supply (though my baby's doctor says she's gaining plenty of weight and he's not concerned w/her not getting enough) I have noticed that I don't have nearly the supply I did before. I just REALLY do NOT want to take some stupid shit every single day, w/3 kids, it's just too much for me. ok well I'm gonna have to finish this rant another time, cause I'm about to loose my mind w/my 2 year old screaming and throwing a HUGE fit at the gate. so guess I'll get to this later....

and so it begins....

Well I only have a min, but I just wanted to write down my commitment to getting in great shape! Hooray! :) I started Slim in 6 (again) 4 days ago, and man I am feeling it! but in a good way. I've also been doing yoga every night again, ahhh LOVE yoga!! I've never done both at the same time, and I'm REALLY hoping that it'll have some fantastic results. I got into pretty good shape just doing yoga everyday, and I felt SOOO freaking fabulous the whole time! My slim in 6 workout is getting old (cause I've had it for like 6 years, and done it half ass a million times) I notice how many mistakes the creator of the program makes, and it's nice to know we're all only human :) haha. anyway, I'm going to try and keep track of the whole process, and blog as often as I can, in an attempt to keep modivated. Well here it goes..... :)

family

Well, my mother in law, and her youngest son (who is almost 17 now) are up visiting from Nevada. We haven't seen them since about 2 days before my 2 year old was born :( it's hard only being able to see them every year (or 2) I LOVE my mother in law SO MUCH, she's been SOO helpful, and amazing, and such great company. I swear everytime I see her, we get a little closer :) I love it, and wouldn't have it any other way :) The only thing that sucks about having her here, is that we have to share them w/my hubby's older brother, yes he's the one that was my hubby's partner, and drives me nuts! I feel bad, because he is constantly taking advantage of his mother, and leaving her w/his pain in the ass kids (yeah I feel kinda bad saying that, but they are seriously a nightmare) and borrowing money (with absolutely NO intention of even attempting to pay her back) and he just expects SO much from her, it's so agrivating. She is such an incredible woman, and I'm so thankful to know her, and have a good relationship w/her. And that makes it even harder to see her taken advantage of... Oh well, I guess it's just life. I keep trying to remind myself to not be angry at him so much, because of the array of lessons that my hubbs has learned from his brother's mistakes. but still, being so close to so many of those mistakes, and the fact that they have had a direct, and negative effect on me and my family, it can be tough. I know I bitch alot about HIM and all the crap w/him, so I'll try to look at the positive...... Well, I guess it's nice that I can tell she has a great time when she's staying at our house (even if she does have to stay there a few nights too) it is nice knowing that she'd probably rather be here :) So..... I guess I should attempt to wake up the hubs, and head over there to spend some more time w/them before they fly out in a few hours... :) till tommorow... :)